My Journey to Pregnancy

You already know my journey to Fertility, and also my journey to In Vitro Fertilization or IVF which made me pregnant after all the protocols and procedures. Now I’m sharing the status of my pregnancy to you my readers, that contributes to me a Heavenly miraculous Emotional feelings, down to the Saddest Emotion that brought me into a dark side of an angle with this roller coaster scenario of our lives.

Motherhood Books!

Fatherhood Book!

The minute my Husband and I discovered that we have this BFP or Big fat Positive through a Beta test, and received the confirmation HCG from my Doctor, I prolonged my bed rest during the weekdays.  But also a little walk to the mall or to the park as my Doctor told me that a little walking is fine as I should have some mild exercise to keep my blood flow moving. I started these few slow steps outside one Saturday at around my 4weeks.

Weight gain::):):)

The minute I start the Egg Retrieval I notice that I gain so much weight. Before the procedures and protocols or shall I say before we start the IVF, I was on my right BMI or Body Mass index 47Kilograms or 99 pounds which is ideal for my Age and Height.  But right after the egg retrieval I gained weight in a blink of an eye.  It became worse when I got pregnant. I gained about 4kilograms or 8pounds! Holly Cow my good-ness! My Doctor told me it’s because of the water retention.  But during this time, oppsss yes, I admit I was an eating machine too!!

Gain 8pounds!

5 weeks pregnant::):):)

As the weeks go by I feel so excited. I can’t explained the feelings that I am now experiencing from these precious moments of becoming a Mother. I am going to be Mommy Yen soon wow.:) I can’t stop counting and counting the days through my Calendar. I keep on tracking every week and trying to list everything I felt. I felt miraculous. The tingling in my body is so much full of positive anxiety with perseverance. I said to myself that yes I am really a woman, because I am carrying the gift of God. I started to read each chapter of the Bible everyday right from the very start. I’m reading it for my little peanut though he/she can’t hear it yet.  I keep rubbing and talking to my tummy, explaining that when you, my little peanut is born, you will not regret why you were born.  Mommy and Daddy will provide you with a life full of Love and chances for the, best future.  We will teach you to become a good Citizen on this Earth. Mommy and Daddy will make sure that you’ll be in good hands and you’ll be a good follower of God. We will teach you to respect People that deserve your respect back. We believe that a child’s character comes from the start, taught by their Parents. When they grow-up and end-up into rubbish, then that would be their chosen path. In spite of giving them our best, at the end we can’t force them to follow what we want for them. Instead we can assist them and open their eyes between right and wrong! But as what I said at the end they are the one who decide their own Map of life.

6 weeks pregnant::):):)

I remember it was Sunday night I went to the bathroom and I saw a blood spot, I started to panic, I’m shouting and calling my Husband. I lay on my bed, my legs up, and I’m trying to relax. Then after 10 minutes I got up with my husband assisting me to the bath room to pee. And there I was bleeding; my urine now is all blood. I don’t feel any hurt or any cramps at all. I called my Nurse Mobile but no answer! Good thing I found one mobile number of the other Nurse. I called and said I was bleeding. She asked some crucial information. She said not to panic, bed rest, and if it became heavier I should rushed to the emergency hospital that closer to our flat about 4minutes drive. If it will stop tonight, then Monday morning I will have to drop to the Clinic so my Doctor can check on me.

Good thing the bleeding was only about 2 hours it stopped before I sleep. I sleep the entire night, while my husband sleeping on his jeans and shirt in case if I need to rushed to the Emergency room right away and his ready. I noticed also while I’m sleeping my husband keep eyeing on me, rubbing my head to know my temperature, in short he hardly sleep that night knowing that he monitored me the entire night.

The next mornings at 8AM Monday were in the Doctor’s clinic with my Husband. The Doctor told me it was early abortion but they can’t state it yet because the pregnancy is very early to track it down. But seems like were still in the game, and again I’m impulse to bed rest until the next ultrasound. The Doctor says that there will be more blood coming because I have a blood clot in my Uterus. My Doctor provided me with this anti bleeding medication just in case I’ll bleed again. I have to come back after 4days another Ultrasound. They explained that the bleeding was due to the main reasons.

1. The implantation of the Embryo can cause bleeding when the Embryo starts to attach the wall, and there’s blood that needs to come out.

2. Or it could be a Miscarriage.

4 days later.

Another Ultrasound after the terrific bleeding event.  In the ultrasound the Doctor said that he hardly sees the Embryo or our Baby Em inside the Gestational Sac. It should be there by now as it is going 7weeks already. I said where is it? He can’t answer me. He said to wait after a week again and if still not there then we know the answer. I asked him, am I still pregnant? He said yes you are very much pregnant. The gestational Sac is there but it’s empty. My Husband says will wait next week Honey, it’s in there, Baby Em is just hiding, were still on the game.

7 Weeks pregnant::):):)

I knew the feeling that I’m still pregnant because I still felt this Nausea, Heart burn, head ache, morning sickness and I feel so exhausted. So no doubt that I am pregnant I said to myself. I keep my faith strong at this time. I keep talking to God begging him not to take my baby out from me. I said to him that this baby will be yours ohh God I’ll offer this to you.

Were back to the doctor’s clinic again. Right away he does the Ultrasound and then there it shocked me, my husband, and my Doctor. We heard this strong heart beat and the Empty sac a week ago, now is showing our baby Em. Baby Em started to form a spinal cord, and the cells of the toes started to show-up. The Doctor feels amazed and said this is his 1^st encounter. It’s miracles he said. Aside for the good news, the Doctor noticed this huge amount of blood clot or “Subchorionic Hematoma or SCH” around the Gestational Sac of Baby Em. The Doctor said that I should be on bed rest. At any time my blood could come out or my body would absorb it. It’s dangerous because it’s possible that the Hematoma or SCH can pull the Gestational Sac away from the wall and cause a Miscarriage. Right then I said to myself why is this happening to us? Why every week we have this different roller coaster of emotions and encounters? Why can’t it just be normal like some pregnancies? Why and why?

8 weeks pregnant::):):)

At exactly 8 weeks, I woke up in the morning and I felt slight cramps in my lower abdomen. I just left it behind, and push it out of my mind as I don’t want to panic and cause my blood pressure to go up. I went to the bathroom and saw brownish spotting again. I told to my husband and he said that’s good. The Doctor said the brownish color should be out, that’s the Hematoma color. The entire day I was spotting this Brownish blood and it seems like it’s getting heavier, and I can’t deny I’m started to freak out by then because this time I need to use big pads. I don’t feel any cramps or pain at all. But what worries me was the heavy blood now until night arrived and the brownish blood turned to a lighter red color. I sleep and again on fingers crossed begging God again to stop the Blood flow. About 2AM I woke-up and travel to the bathroom then I pass-out this dark red of urine with a light water on it and noticed something came out. It was a huge red blood clot, I’m thinking to pick it up but my other side says stop Yen back to bed.

About 4Am I woke up and travel to bathroom. Again it was watery blood urine with a huge amount of blood clot again. Here I’m started to freak out again thinking something negative happen, something is going on! I keep myself on a low key, I heard my husband voice, are you okay honey? I replied yes! Back to sleep I’m fine. But inside of me I know something is wrong. Until the next day I noticed that I don’t have this morning sickness. I read some books and researched, and it seems like normal but I can’t deny my instinct something is going on.

We went to the clinic and my Doctor worked on me right away. By then he is having trouble finding the Gestational sac and the baby. Still have few blood clots around my womb and we can’t hear any heart beat at all. I said where is my baby Doctor? I can’t hear the heartbeat, find it for me! By then I started to feel that my baby was in danger. I can see on the doctor’s face that something is wrong. The Doctor said I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat and the Gestational Sac is gone. I look hard but as you see it’s not there anymore, I’m pretty sure the SCH hematoma pulled the Gestational Sac and one of the blood clots you pass out was the Gestational sac and the Embryo. I said NO NO NO NO! I stood up and my heart cracked. I feel like I’m losing my breath. My husband wrapped his body around me right away. I was crying with pain, terrible and horrific crashing in me which is the most agony I ever had in my life. I remember when I found out that my parents’ marriage is no longer working, I cried so much with pain which I said it was so painful and hard to accept. But this time losing my baby is the worst case scenario of my existence.

I said to God why you made me pregnant and letting me felt the joy of being a pregnant woman? You let me feel on how to be a Mommy and carry it in my womb, and then all of the sudden you took it back from me. You are so unfair GOD yes you do you are so unfair. I took good care of myself while carrying my baby inside of me. Tons of ladies outside want to kill their babies because they are not ready. And me, that I waited for so long, I’m yearning my baby so bad, asking and begging you. But why is this happening to me? I’m ready to be a Mom. I’m capable to be a Mom. Why is this happening? I wanted to slap the Doctor begging him to Ultrasound me again coz maybe my baby is hiding again.

Emotional Grief's and agony::(:(:(

My Husband and I went to the Church right a way to light a candle and prayers for our baby Em. I felt like I wanted to shout in the Church. I felt like I wanted to holler at everyone because I am so pissed and heartbroken. I felt like I lost the most wonderful and the most expensive jewels in my life. I felt like I’m going to lose my mind and I felt like the world is crashing against me.

My husband said this is the most pain and worst tragedy since we got married. The most painful event, but we are so blessed. You and I are still together and I know we can get over it. All we have to do is to look forward. We should not forget that we still have one frozen Embryo waiting, so you should focus and work to get your health back. Our Baby Em, is in the kingdom of God now, our baby Em is an angel now and become our Guardian, your Guardian to guide you all the way. Baby Em doesn’t want to see us sad because we should focus on the next cycle, the coming of our next baby.

I understand my husband’s feelings trying to lift me up during our downs and soreness pain. But still the pain inside of me is too much and I’m having trouble carrying it on my shoulder. I’m talking to the wind asking, why you didn’t hold tight in me? Why you lift us at the very short time? I keep staring the Ultrasound photo of baby Em which made me more pain but I just keep in mind that maybe God took you because I said to God that I offer you to him, that God is the owner of you. But I know God is not greedy. I know my next baby would be alive and I will carry it full term and be with us for long period of time. I know God would provide my needs as there are no wishes that I asked from him that he never command on me. And having my baby is my last wishes that he never provide yet. I know I should wait, I know time comes for me, and I believed this “YES, NO, MAYBE” that I learned from “PSALM” way back my College days.

Right now I am still on my grief. I hardly can say a “How are you” or a “Happy Birthday” to you my friends. I know this sounds unfair that I should not involve you in my sorrows, but I must admit yes I can’t greet you yet and I’m so sorry for my selfishness at this moment. I don’t want you to ask me “how am I”? Because the fact is I don’t want to lie that I’m fine. Don’t asked me how and why it happens? Coz I don’t want to answer you either. As I wanted to dispute the agony right away, so please don’t prompt it to me again. I know in myself, in due period of time, that the broken heart of mine will gently mix up together, and the wounded heart of mine will stop bleeding.

I wrote this article not because I want you to feel sorry for me. I know that aside from this agony of mine, there are hundreds of Females and Parents out there who are experiencing the same thing as me, trying to overcome the mountains of misery. And I know that there are more terrific stories more than mine. But know what? Please don’t compare me to them, coz my emotions and my pain is different. Every person’s heart desires is very diverse. I created this article to exert and push out my grief feelings, as I know through writings I can blow out my horn. My emotions and I can throw out whatever I want just to calm me down. You might be thinking that maybe I feel good now after writing this worst scenario of mine. But the truth is, I am still mourning, but I know I can get over it as I keep in mind that I need to be back on track, and to be back in shape. And start my healthy life styles again so my next baby can swim good in my womb soon. We are planning for the implant again as soon as my body’s back into shape.

This is now the end of my journey to pregnancy. I pray to God for those pregnant right now, especially in their early first trimester, that hopefully God will provide you Mommies out there with a safe and healthy full term delivery of your little peanut. As I don’t want you to feel the agony encounter that I just have been through. Don’t worry about me because I won’t lose hope. My faith to God will remain strong and high without question, or hesitation. God has the reason why everything is happening, from pain to laughter; I believed God has an object for everything. Again God Bless to all Pregnant Mommies out there.:)

BY:Yen-Yen

Have a sexyful, bountiful, wonderful, and blissful day folks.:)